Why I Do This Stuff (Part 3)

fearIn a roundabout way, I am able to answer the question to “why I do this stuff.” I have invested years in this training because of my fear. However, it is not the same fear that conditioned my life when my mind was inferior. Back then, I let my insecurities paralyze me and inhibit me. Instead of dealing with the constant doubt that I had swirling around in my head, I retreated into a passive mode. I lacked an action plan and assertive behavior. I should have fought back, but I did something much worse than being the typical coward.

I waited.

I wanted to be rescued.

As a result of being on the defense for much of my life, my capacity to overcome obstacles and reaching my personal goals were always cut short. The only fighting back then was in my fantasy world where I overcame my scardy cat tendencies with my made-up-powerful-new-self. Whenever I fell off the horse, I didn’t jump back on. I just lay there on ground, wishing my misery would end.

Most of the time, I did absolutely nothing. I had no sense of belief in myself.

This is how a petrified mind nearly destroyed my soul.

Now I am moving towards the complete antithesis of my former self.
Every day of training is a little gain, a sign that I am making progress. Most of the time, I train alone. I’ve learned to rely on only myself and waiting for others or being yet, being dependent on others is a sign of weakness. Since, I’ve discovered mental toughness training, I can finally say when it comes to my destiny, only I can make it happen. I can’t rely on others, fate or luck to solve my problems.

The only person that can save me is myself.

This however, does not mean I am now void of fear. Frightful thoughts still surrounds my life and clouds my doubt. I have come to accept that my fraidy cat ways will never dissipate. What has change is how I now respond to being afraid. In other words, I always precede my fear with some sort of positive action. This reaction can be behavioral or cerebral, meaning I fight my negative mind with loads of positive self-talk. Sometimes, I have to summons an avalanche of positive statements to help defeat one singular negative put-down. I will do whatever takes to drown and silence the voices of my past and current tormenters.

I have worked hard for every inch of toughness that I’ve gained. The fear that I feel now is losing all I have fought for. I don’t fear my worst enemies any more because I have taken their hardest punch and I have gotten back up and fought back, and wiped some serious ass.

I get a bit anxious when I think about losing my mental fortitude. I am a miser for all strength and toughness and I want to keep every bit of what I have gained. There is no way in hell I am going to up the victories and battles that I have won. They are mine and I will fight the evils that attempt to take away my accomplishments from me.

This is why I train.

I train to protect what I have earned.

Anybody or bad situation that tries to weaken me will be destroyed, spit out and stomped on. Seriously when I am being fucked with, nobody is more dangerous than myself. Nothing is more potent than a mind that refuses to give in. Any adversity that thinks they can toy with me is making a huge mistake. I don’t know how long it will take to defeat the obstacle, but I am sure that I will be the one that comes out on top. That’s how confident I am in my abilities to overcome any potential life-changing trauma. For the first 40 years of my life, I never felt this sense of belief in my capabilities

Until now.

I train because it allows me to be courageous.

This is who I am and what I am becoming.

Today’s WOD:

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